G-Shack.com's guide on How to be a Hooker

How to make a good hooker

Who can't say they've never run into some negative financing now days with the economy going as south as it is? And yes, every young girl goes through that stage - where they stand in front of a mirror, put on more makeup than a goose, and see how far they can stretch their ankles behind their ears. But at that point, you decide whether to hold it in as private bedroom play - or you blow your new found hobby into a full fledged career.

Now, being a hooker - you need the right gear, training, and drugs. Allow me to be the one to end your prude ignorance, and enlighten you in your bright new future in the red-light district.

G-Shack.com's Guide to being a Hooker: Volume I

First of all, let's look at applying makeup.

You can't just look like your average Ronald McDonald - You need class. Class out the ass. And by hooker standards, the more makeup the better. As time goes on, you'll realize that bulk packages of makeup is most likely the best way to go about saving money on all the cake you'll be buying for your face.

Now is a good time to introduce hooker apparel. Take note to Model A:

Now to bring up a touchy subject. Weight:

And not to sound like an outrageous male pig- But in prostitution terms: Being a 600 pound hooker is like being a 30 pound dolphin trainer. You'll have no authority over your clients, your hair will smell like fish for weeks, and (as dolphins and men do) they will giggle uncontrollably at the situation of it all.

But luckily, as a hooker, as you are working, you will be getting a ridiculously awesome workout! Which brings us to classic hooker positions Illustrated below:

[the sorry babe, I'm in a hurry move]

[the tired because i've been having sex all day so you do your thing while i take a nap move]

[the i dont think you left your car keys in here move]

[the King's royal throne move]

[the hey mind if my friends join us? move]

[thank you sexualpositionsfree.com for the pictures]

Let's move this discussion to a serious topic:

Now remember ladies, nobody wants an STD - Unless your client is into that. Then by all means, give him an STD. Unless of course your client just says he wants STDs to get himself in the mood, but in reality he doesnt actually want STDs; then by all means do give him pretend STDs but avoid giving him actual STDs. Or, if your client claims he doesnt want STDs but actually gets off by getting STDS, then no matter what you do - dont not give him STDs.

But just to cover the subject, here are some objects and tools that will help you keep safe while you're working the corner.

the Male Condom

Placed correctly, not only will it help stop Sexually Transmitted Diseases, but it will give you 20 seconds to actually have a conversation with your client as you're putting it on.

the Birth Control

For when you're not ready to bring any junior hoes into this world.

the Baseball Bat -

Incase "No" really meant "NO" and you need a little something extra to pursuade your client to stop grabbing your butt.

As a hooker, you will meet a variety of different people with different inner fetishes. Now a good hooker always knows to be prepared for any situation, so I suggest keeping the following items in a bag and carring them around with you at all times.

1.) inflatable sheep

You'll never know what kind of wild sheep fantasies people will come up with.

2.) midgets

Every hard working super hero dreams of having a tiny side-kick, and what better sidekick for a hooker than a two timing midget. Take a load off your feet, sit back, and enjoy yourself as Meme pleases in big amounts for such a little girl.

3.) Balloon animals

I'd explain this one, but I think I would corrupt the innocent heads of my younger readers, so I'll just let it loiter in your sick imaginations.

Finally, test yourself on the following

Hooker Vocabulary:

Angry Dragon

Abraham Lincoln

Arabian Goggles

The Bait N' Tackle

Ballsacking

Bear Claw

Beef Curtain

The Bronco

The Bullwinkle

The Canine Special

The Carpet Cleaner

The Chicken Cutlet

The Chili Dog

Cleveland Steamer

Cold Lunch

The Concoction

The Compton Gangbang

Cop's Delight

The Corkscrew

Couch Bombing

Daisy Chain

Davey Crockett

Donkey Punch

Dutch Treat

The Electric Chair

Flaming Amazon

The Flying Camel

Flying Dragon

Golden Shower

Ham And Cheese Sandwich

High Dive

The Hindenburg

Hole In One

Hot Karl

Hot Karl Candy Cane

Hummer

The Indian Cock Burn

The Jedi Mind Trick

The Juanita Special Bean Dip

Kennebunkport Surprise

SandCrab

The Screwnicorn

Shirley Temple

The Shocker

Stranger

Stranger On The Rocks

3-Eyed Turtle

Tossing Salad

Twisted Sister

Vegetarian Hot Lunch

Wake Up Call

The Walrus

Western Grip

Westside Glaze

The Woody Woodpecker

If you know more than half these definitions - consider yourself a well off hooker, and a slightly disturbing human being. If you can't recall many of these terms, you might want to do some research before you agree to some foreign sexual ritual and end up with a trombone up your butt.

Well that concludes the

G-Shack.com Guide to being a Hooker: Volume I

Congradualations! You are now a well endowed prositute. Remember what you have been taught, pick a poorly lit street corner, and begin your triumph in the world of pimps n' hoes. When you make it to the big time, just remember who gave you that first healthy push. See you on the coast! Or... in a dark alley...

Posted by Steve-O - 01.11.05 - 2:00 P.M. -- Comments -- Forum -- Home --